Justin Moore aka The Guy I'm Least Likely To Be Friends With In the Whole World

I’m a fan of country music. This is something that I’ve been ashamed of in my past, as it is not exactly cool to admit to listening to Garth Brooks.

Wow, I’m dating myself significantly there aren’t I? Let’s try that again…

I’m a fan of country music. This is something I’ve been ashamed of in my past, as it is not exactly cool to admit to listening to Sugarland.

Better? Okay, moving on.

Anyway, as I said, I’m a fan of the genre. I think that country music offers deeper emotional lyrics and a truer connection than most of the popular music out there today. If given the choice between bubblegum pop and popular country music, I’m going to choose country nine times out of ten. In fact, I would say that my entire interest in “pop music” in this day and age is only if the cast of Glee is singing it.

Yes. I said it. I’m not going to back away from that statement either.

But, back to my original point, I am a fan of country music. Further, I’m the type of fan that country music artists should want. I don’t pirate music. I pay for the music that I want to listen to. I’m part of the coveted 18-34 year old male demographic that I know marketers love. I’m a relatively affluent young professional man, with a fiancee who is well on her way to being the same. I am the ideal customer.

With all that being said, why the fuck is it that country music tries to make me feel like they don’t want me anywhere near their music because I happen to not be a redneck?

On my way into work this morning, I was listening, as I tend to do, to the XM/Sirius country music station, The Highway. Usually I find this to be an enjoyable way to spend the ten minutes or so that it takes me to travel from my home to work. However, some mornings I am reminded of why, exactly, country music is seen as the backwoods, hillbilly cousin of popular music.

This morning was one of those mornings.

The offending song today was a horrible little ditty called “Bait A Hook” by Justin Moore. Perhaps some of my readers who are country fans are familiar with the song. However, since I’m assuming that a) I have no readers and b) the few nonexistent ones that may exist(try to unwrap that logical conundrum) are not regular listeners to country radio, I’m going to include the lyrics to the song below, along with my issues with it spelled out in detail.

Bear in mind, this isn’t the only instance of this phenomenon that I have heard in country music lately. Just the one that struck a nerve today. Here we go.

I heard you had to drive him home after two umbrella drinks
I heard he’s got a Prius, ’cause he’s into bein’ green

I wish I was making this shit up. These are really the opening lines to the fucking song. I should point out that this is sung in a tone that makes it impossible to miss the fact that these two lines are meant as some of the gravest insults that Justin Moore can imagine.

Evidently, in the mind of Mr. Moore, there is no bigger sin than using a designated driver, unless it is needing a designated driver after drinking two drinks that had umbrellas in them. Now, I’m not going to get into a battle of semantics with Mr. Moore, but whether or not a drink comes with an umbrella is not a measure of the amount of alcohol that is being ingested. In fact, I would argue that many of the drinks that have umbrellas in them are much more alcoholic than whatever domestic light beer Mr. Moore would approve of. Plus, they are hella tasty.

The second line is even more idiotic when used as an insult. “I heard he’s got a Prius, ’cause he’s into bein’ green.” What the fuck kind of insult is that?

First, a Prius is a pricey automobile. Good for this guy if he can afford one of those. All that tells me is that he has a decent paying job. This, plus his insight into knowing when he needs a DD after a few too many drinks, tells me that we’re dealing with a guy I wouldn’t mind having an umbrella drink or two with.

Secondly, why is it bad to be into “bein’ green”? Only the most idiotic among us(Hi, Michelle Bachmann) would deny that we are in the midst of a bit of an environmental catastrophe. Perhaps we should support our friend, the umbrella drinking, responsible driver, as he tries to help lower his carbon footprint? What do you say, Justin?

Oh shit, that’s only the first two lines? I might need an umbrella drink for the rest of this song.

My buddies said he saw ya’ll, eatin’ that sushi stuff
Baby that don’t sound like you, that don’t sound like love, sounds like it sucks…

I’m mostly appalled by the fact that this idiot seems to have never heard of sushi before. “That sushi stuff”? What is this, a 1987 sitcom episode? I’m actually shocked he didn’t make some crack about “ewww, that’s raw fish” in this line. This just shows a lack of cultural awareness that is insulting both to the people he is trying to sell his music to and the woman that he thinks is going to be won back by this idiocy.

Besides, I know a ton of proud rednecks who love sushi. If you want to attack my credibility as a knower of rednecks, remember I grew up in small town Western Kansas. That is one of the redneck havens of the world.

He can’t even bait a hook
He can’t even skin a buck

The tone that Moore uses in these two lines are clearly meant to be judgmental. However, I would ask you, imaginary reader, have you ever gone fishing? There is nothing as mindbogglingly dull in the world. If Moore’s antagonist has never had to endure this particular torture, thus never learning to bait a hook, then I applaud him. Kudos to you, umbrella drink man!

As for not being able to skin a buck, I would wager that 90% of America, including the parts that rednecks come from, have never skinned a buck. Hell, I’d wager that 85% of America doesn’t even know what it means(it is referring to taking the hide off a deer). Skinning a buck may be the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard somebody make a measuring stick for manhood. And I’d like proof that Mr. Moore has ever done it himself.

He don’t know who Jack Daniels is
He ain’t ever drove a truck

I will admit that I have no clue who Jack Daniels is, though I am a fan of the drink named after him. See, Justin, we don’t have to know who somebody is to enjoy his products. Stop being a douche.

And, for the record, I drive a truck. I’ve driven a truck, off and on, for over a decade now. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Moore would use 90% of these insults on me, thus making the driving a truck criteria seem a bit useless as a judgment of character in his world.

Knows how to throw out a line, but not the kind in a field and stream book
No darlin’ I ain’t even worried, you’ll come runnin’ back
He can’t even bait a hook

These lines are just proof that Justin Moore truly knows what a woman wants. Screw the fact that this is a man who can afford a Prius, drinks responsibly, takes her out to a nice sushi dinner, and can hold a conversation(or “throw out a line” in Moore’s vernacular), what she really wants is a man that can bait a hook, and probably smells like fish a lot of the time.

Has he kissed you in a hay field as the summer rain falls down?
Has he took you to meet his mama, back in his home town?

Okay. I’m going to admit that kissing a girl in a hay field in the rain sounds pretty damn romantic. This is one line that is well done that I’m going to concede to Moore because it is a nice line, and I’m a good guy like that.

However, I want to explain to country boys that they don’t have a monopoly on loving their mamas. Most men will, at some point in their relationship, take their significant others home to meet their mothers(and fathers, for that matter). Meeting the family is a pretty big moment in most relationships. Why does the fact that this man can’t bait a hook change that?

Justin, your logic is faulty.

Does he drive the interstate, or take them old back roads?
Can he melt your heart with a country song, every good old boy should know?
I didn’t think so…

We have established that Justin Moore would sing this song about me if I was dating his ex. However, I do take “them old back roads”, as it is one of my fiancee and I’s favorite activities on lazy Sundays. And I will put my knowledge of country songs that will melt a woman’s heart up against any good ole boy out there. And I’ll win.

Okay, I think these lyrics have served their purpose(and the song gets even more repetitive from this point on).

So, I’m flabbergasted by things like this in country music. Why does showing the slightest bit of interest in “high culture”, which I would argue is what Moore is classifying the Prius, umbrella drinks, and sushi as, mean that a person should not be considered worthy of a woman’s time?

To put it more succinctly, why does the fact that somebody “can’t even bait a hook” make him less of a man? And why does a song that embraces the idea that “bein’ green” is something to be scoffed at, in an world where the environment is quickly going to shit, end up as a top 40 hit on country radio?

Are we at a point as a society where the culture is so divided that, as an environmentally conscious, responsibly drinking progressive that I’m going to be endlessly insulted by a genre of music that rose to where it is by being about embracing the common man? Or does it go even deeper than that?

Have we reached a point as a culture where you are not allowed to enjoy both country music and sushi? Is the divide within our society such that we are left without the ability to understand that “bein’ green” is something that reaches across party lines, across ideologies, even across religions?

I probably shouldn’t be shocked that Justin Moore has a song that pisses me off. After all, his past hits have included such songs as “Small Town USA”, which implies that work done in small towns is worth more than work done in big cities, and “If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away”, which is about the geographical location of the grown up version of Never-Neverland.

Trust me, I can find shit that pisses me off about every genre of music. I just happened to be listening to country today.

Perhaps in the future I should just stick to artists that actually want a liberal, environmentally-conscious, responsibly drinking, sushi-loving man who would kill for a Prius.

Even if I can bait a hook, I don’t think I’m Justin Moore’s target audience. Back to listening to some Shooter Jennings and Sugarland.

Definitely Part of My Ideal Saturday

I’m a bit of a homebody. This should come as no shock to anybody who knows me. I don’t like crowds. I’m not a big fan of strangers. And I really don’t do the whole dancing thing. So, when a random sidebar on the interwebs asked me what my ideal Saturday night was, I realized that this would not probably be something that anybody else finds ideal, not even my beloved fiancee.

Still, it asked, so I’m answering. And damn all of you who don’t like it!

First of all, as you can probably guess from the opening paragraph above, my ideal Saturday night does not involve a dance club or a raucous house party. However, my ideal Saturday night does fly in the face of my opening in a few ways.

“What ways?” you ask. Well, let me tell you. But fuck this keeping it to Saturday’s PM hours. No. I scoff at limitations. I’m going to tell you about my ideal Saturday, not just the night.

As a member of the working world, or “the working dead”, as I like to call us, I’ve only got two full days of relaxation available to me per week. One of these, Sunday, is, for the foreseeable future, going to be a victim to the wonder that is the NFL RedZone channel, which my cable company has just graced me with. So, with that in mind, anything that needs to get done on a day off is usually going to be done on a Saturday.

If this is a fall Saturday, as the ones we are currently moving into are, my ideal is slightly different than the ones that take place from January to August. My ideals for those Saturdays, the non-college football Saturdays, involve a great deal of laying around with my lady and reading books. Occasionally watching marathons of our favorite TV series and daydreaming about how nice it would be if it wasn’t snowing, during the colder months, and complaining about the heat, in the warmer months. So, let us assume that this would be an ideal Saturday during September.

Why September? Because that is when I’m writing this and I don’t really want to think about the extreme cold that is to come or the extreme heat we just left.

Now that the clarification is out of the way, let us begin our romp through my imagined ideal Saturday.

First, I would wake up around 9 next to my lovely future wife. This is how I do begin all my Saturdays and, trust me, it is pretty damn awesome.

After that, I’d wander out to the living room and play an hour or so of some sort of video game. Probably something in the Mass Effect or Dragon Age family, though I’ve recently been all over Fallout:New Vegas. This would be followed by my fiancee and I going out to have some yummy gluten-free Chinese food, thus allowing us to have deliciousness without worrying about long-term and short-term health effects of gluten on a celiac. Of course, because our town, which we love for a multitude of reasons, does not have any gluten-free Chinese options, this requires a drive to Kansas City. But, as we enjoy each other’s company, as well as going for drives, this is not a detriment to our good day.

After lunch, we would hit a variety of used book stores and comic book stores, looking through old back issues of comic books in an attempt to increase my ever-growing collection of fun and quirky comic books. I don’t collect them for the value, as most comic books in this day and age are not going to be worth much of anything, with the trade paperback market and the large number of initial printings, but I do enjoy having boxes of them sitting around for when I might need them in the future.

After that, which is a damn enjoyable way to spend an afternoon, we’d come back to Larryville and watch the KU Jayhawks play some football on the TV. Maybe they win, maybe they lose, but it is always fun to watch KU sports.  During the game we’d have a delicious gluten-free pizza from Waldo Pizza in KC. In my ideal scenario, which is albeit unrealistic, they would deliver all the way to Lawrence.

Then, after the game was over and the delicious gluten-free meal was done, we’d finish up the night cuddled up on our couch, watching a few episodes of one of our favorite TV shows or our latest movie from Netflix. Anything that involves relaxation and winding down.

See, that is perfection. A day spent with the woman I love, good food, good comics, sports, and cuddling. Who can ask for more than that?

That’s just the way I am. Sorry about that.

I believe in a great many things. I just have a different criteria for things that I believe. Let me give some examples.

1) I believe that humans are capable of remarkable kindness(and religion has nothing to do with it).

When my mother had a heart attack, when I was 15 years old, the residents of Hays, KS(particularly the faculty and staff of Hays High School and the community surrounding the Hays High PopSingers) demonstrated their capacity for kindness in an amazing fashion. Whether it be the Sandstrom and Kuehl families, who opened their homes and their hearts to a young man with no place else to go, or the anonymous folks who assisted in the substantial financial needs of an extracurricularly active Sophomore in high school involved in a myriad of excursions and activities, the kindness that was extended to me, in a secular environment, has never failed to reinforce this belief.

Later in life, upon my mother’s death, my co-workers in the DSL/Facilities department of Ionex Telecommunications(a, now-defunct, phone company that I was working for) were a mix of believers and non-believers who were, by any standard used by the religious community, a group of the worst heathens and harlots available in Wichita, KS. It was a misfit squad of potheads, adulterers, alcoholics, homosexuals, and single parents. Yet, when I stopped into work to change my voicemail message just days after her death, this group of “immoral heathens” had passed the hat in the department and donated over $500 to my family to help defray the funeral costs.

My belief that humans can be remarkably kind was affirmed again.

2) I believe that humans are capable of remarkable cruelty(often in the name of religion).

I don’t want to dwell on this because it makes me sad. However, the examples of this are not few and far between. The Holocaust. The Crusades. 9/11. Abu Ghraib. Gitmo. Fred Phelps. These all prove this point.

Moving on.

3) I believe that literature, films, and television do provide valuable services to society.

It probably doesn’t come as a shock to anybody that is reading this that I find pop culture to be one of the most valuable aspects of society today. For those who decry that our culture has become vulgar and profane, I say that we have to look past that to the examples that are shown in the actions and themes of the pop culture you are decrying.

For example, from TV, Chuck is a show about a man who, like many young adults in our society, was lost as to what to do with his life. When the show opened, the intelligent young man was working a dead end job post-college because he was paralyzed with uncertainty of what to do. However, through a series of fantastic events, Chuck is shown a place where he belonged. The greater lesson from the show is that if you feel lost and powerless it won’t be long, if you keep looking, before you find a place that you fit.

How about a film example? In Up in the Air, George Clooney plays a man obsessed with having no personal baggage to tie him down(he teaches seminars on it, for fuck’s sake). However, through the course of the film, he learns the value of friends and family. This seems to be a decent lesson for all of us to learn.

One other example, this one from the world of literature(and a big “fuck you” to anybody who says that comic books are not literature), is Superman. Kal-El, as he was born on Krypton, is a man with near limitless power. He could, relatively easily, conquer the world and rule it as he saw fit. But he doesn’t. In fact, he protects the world from that exact fate and asks for nothing in return. How can that not be a lesson that we approve of?

4) I believe that all humans are equal.

Straight, gay, or bi. Male, female, or transgender. Atheist, agnostic, or believer. All races. All people. We are equal.

Those are just a few of my large number of deeply held beliefs.

So don’t you dare tell me that I don’t believe anything, sir or madam. You are terribly mistaken.

Image via Wikipedia

In an attempt to get me writing more, I’ve decided to experiment with writing prompts. This is not something that I’m used to doing, but we’ll give it a whirl and see how it goes.

The prompt: What things have you experienced that have helped to build your character to what it is today?

Before I start with my response to the prompt, let me just say that I really hope that they are not always this cheesy. Still, I promised myself I would do this, so here goes.

What we are is nothing more than a product of our experiences. I’m almost positive somebody famous for being a deep thinker said that once upon a time, and if they didn’t they should have because no truer statement has ever been made. I’m sure that there are plenty of people out there that would argue that we are more than the sum of our experiences. I’m sure they would do so passionately, quoting philosophy, scriptures, and even science.

Those people would be wrong.

The one thing that all human beings have in common is that we experience things. No matter if you grew up on the streets of L.A., a high-rise apartment in N.Y.C., or, as I did, on a rather idyllic street in a small town in Western Kansas, you have experiences. Granted, my experiences vary wildly from the experiences of the New Yorker or the Angeleno, but they are still experiences. But that is neither here nor there. The question before us doesn’t ask if we had experiences. It asks what experiences shaped me into the person I am today.

The simple answer to that question? All of them.

Even though many experiences seem inconsequential when viewed in the larger context, they all have a say in shaping the person that we become. You may look at some event in my life, like growing up listening to my neighbors get crazy excited over every play in a Royals or a Chiefs game, and think that this is a cute, yet ultimately inconsequential story. However, I can trace, from seeing their passion for the sports that they care about, a direct path that leads to me being the sports fan that I am today. While I may revile the Chiefs, I am an ardent supporter of the Kansas Jayhawks, and, as anybody who has dared to speak ill of my ‘Hawks(or even worse, attend Mizzou) has discovered, that fandom runs deep and it runs crazy. If it hadn’t been for my neighbors and their unabashed love of sports, then I wouldn’t be comfortable being that man today.

Still, I feel as if I’m not truly accepting the premise of the prompt if I dwell on every minute experience in my life that has shaped the man that I have become. Instead, I’ll touch on two. While they may not be the biggest(though they  are certainly top three), they are the ones that I’m most comfortable writing about here. Perhaps, one day, I’ll open up and actually make a list of the things that I truly feel have had the biggest impact on the man I am today. But not today.

The first experience that shaped my character in a large way was the death of my mother. As a few people reading this are well aware, when I was 15 years old, my mother suffered a massive heart attack. While it did not kill her at the time, it did leave her with a terminal heart condition. When she checked out of the cardiac intensive care unit of Baylor Hospital in Dallas, Texas, the doctors gave her 6 months to a year to live.

The doctors were right. The condition was terminal. Of course, seeing as how I was 23 years old when she died and 15 when she was given 6 months to live, they weren’t quite as accurate on the time-frame. I don’t begrudge them that. Hell, I got to spend 7 years with my mother that I didn’t expect. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. What I would trade would be the final day.

My mom and I lived together in Wichita when it happened. I had worked a long day and went to see a friend who had just had a baby, arriving home well past my normal hour. As I entered the apartment building, I heard a phone ringing. This is a completely insignificant fact, except it is the most vivid memory I have of that day. I remember very distinctly thinking “Shit, that’s my phone” which was ridiculous because my apartment was till 4 doors away and the odds of me hearing my phone ringing from that distance are astronomical. Yet, to this day, I swear that that was my phone I heard in that moment.

When I got to my door, I unlocked and and went to open it but hit something hard. I looked down and saw that it was my mother. Her heart had finally given out while she was deciding what to make for dinner and she had fallen in front of the door with the open pantry next to her.

Needless to say, it wasn’t a good day. And I don’t think I really have to explain how that particular experience has shaped my character. Come home to find your mom dead sometime and you’ll understand. And if you have had that happen to you, my condolences, and I know how tough it is. You should definitely look into professional help. At the time, I didn’t and I regretted that for a long time.

The second experience that shaped my character is both more recent and much happier. It took place on the campus of the University of Kansas(Rock Chalk!) in Room 207 Blake Hall. Why do I remember that so well, you ask? Easy. Because it is the room that I met my future wife in. It is also, not coincidentally, the room that I asked her to marry me in.

It is actually quite odd that we hadn’t met before then. We ran in the same circles. She was a women’s right and progressive activist kid on campus. I was, at the time, an officer in Amnesty International and a rape awareness group on campus. We knew the same people. Hell, she had ran for student body vice president with her running mate being a man that will be one of my best men in our wedding. We should have met ages before we did.

However, it was that fateful day at the start of the Spring semester in United States Political Parties that we met. We bonded over our shared revulsion at jokes made about how women should get back-alley abortions. We strengthened our bond over our shared passion for women’s rights. When she moved away for a year to do community service work, it was me she called to vent to about her misogynistic co-workers. How could I not fall madly in love with this woman?

Again, I don’t think there needs to be a great deal of detail offered about how this experience changed my character. Anybody who knew me before her can tell that I’m a better man today then I was then. And that is all her doing.

I stand by the fact that every experience that you have shapes the person you become. We are always changing, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. But these two incidents, along with maybe a handful others, are the ones that truly have shaped me into a man that I’m proud to be. A man that knows the value of loved ones. A man that wakes up everyday thankful for the partner that he gets to spend the rest of his life with.

In short, these experiences make me a better man.

I realize that to finally begin calling myself a “grown-up” at age 32 might seem odd to some people. However, considering I’m currently sitting in a room with several action figures on my desk and well over 200 comic books in boxes around me, I’m going to guess that those very same people would question if I was a grown-up at all.

Still, seeing as how, for the first time in over half a decade, I’ve not attended a single class or been given homework since February, all while working 40 hours a week, I think that I have to admit to myself that I am, in fact, a grown damn man. But it is weird.

I find myself wondering if other grown-ups have the same odd moments and realizations that I do.

“What sort of realizations are those, Tanner?” Why I’m glad you asked, hypothetical reader person. Here are some random realizations and observations from the world of a newly admitted “grown-up”.

• Reading for pleasure rules

As a semi-professional college student for the better part of the last decade, I had fallen well behind in my reading for pleasure aspects of life. Now, once upon a time I loved it. I read everything Stephen King and John Grisham had written(mock me if you want, but fuck you if you don’t enjoy a good story). I’d read Orwell for my own fun, along with Catch-22. I was an avid reader.

Then college came. All I read were things that appeared on syllabus after syllabus. Political theory, case studies, dry, humorless texts. I began to think that I would never enjoy reading again. However, now, as a “grown-up”, I get to read again. I’ve recently read all 7 of the Harry Potter books(again, fuck you if you don’t like a good story) and am now in the process of reading Michael Chabon‘s The Yiddish Policemen’s Union(find fault in that Mr. Judgmental!). It is fucking great!

• Having insurance doesn’t suck

Until my current job, I hadn’t had insurance since before I returned to college. As somebody with a fair share of both physical and mental maladies(some real, some imagined), this was problematic. Self-diagnosing on WebMD instead of shelling out the money for a doctor’s appointment can only have one outcome. You will always think you have cancer. Seriously. Your neck hurts? Cancer. You sprained your ankle? Cancer. Your back itches? Well that is obviously a brain tumor. Now I can go to the doctor for a small co-pay and everything turns out to be much more minor. Amazingly my back itching isn’t a tumor, but an allergic reaction to my detergent. Who knew?

• Having a real paycheck is convenient

Going to college as a non-traditional student with absolutely no parental support is expensive. When you add to that the fact that you are not able to work regular hours if you are taking 15 hours of classes(at least not unless you are a better man than I, Gunga Din), you really treasure when you start making an honest wage. I don’t get paid a shit-ton, by any means, but I am able to have enough money to pay my bills, eat a meal, buy a present for my lady once in awhile, and buy my comic books. Ain’t nothing wrong with that!

So, see, being a grown-up is super cool. Now, if you’ll excuse me, today is Wednesday, so I have some comic books that aren’t going to read themselves.

Unlike most of my past posts these will be more stream of consciousness than carefully planned and edited pieces. I know that some people who have read my past posts are probably shocked to find out that I do edit anything, but trust me, I do. The only editing I will do for these posts will be to fix glaring spelling errors. Also, I will edit things if they make absolutely no sense. Considering, in the past, I’ve been known to write sentences when tired that have 14 words and none are verbs, this becomes necessary sometimes.

Still, I hope you continue to enjoy the words that are put on the page here for your pleasure. Also, I’m hoping that by freeing myself from any sort of self-prescribed limitations on what structure, genre, or topic I can address on these pages, that I will be more inclined to update this in a timely manner.

Fingers crossed.

Did I leave the oven on? Jesus, I hope not, since I don’t live at the same place. Also, considering the hell hole that I used to live in, leaving the oven on for more than about 5 minutes constituted a fire hazard. Such was life in the shitty, sub-500 sq ft studio apartment. But, the point is, that is not what I have forgotten to do for the past 8 months.

Perhaps I was supposed to get a haircut? Well, this one is actually more likely, as I do look a bit like a shaggy dog at the moment, but I know that I’ve had my haircut since last December, so that isn’t it either.

Was I supposed to make some huge, life-altering changes? No, I remembered to do those. I got engaged in February and moved in with my fiancee last month.

So, what the fuck was I supposed to be doing that I’ve forgotten about?

Oh yeah. Write on this blog. Oops.

I’ve been blocked. Like “can’t write a grocery list” blocked for quite some time. In all honesty, I’ve been blocked since before I stopped writing on this blog, I just was shitting out pathetic content for a bit before I finally shut myself down and decided to walk away from all creative outputs for a bit. That bit turned into about 6 months. And then, after the block was relieved a tiny amount, I kept meaning to come back here and write something, yet I just couldn’t find the time/topic/cajones/pick your excuse.

Since the last time I wrote here, as I stated above, I’ve become engaged, become employed full-time, moved in with my fiancee, and, all around, become much more domesticated. Oddly, considering I have, for most of my life, been completely committed to the idea that I would never, ever find myself in this situation, I’m loving it. The idea of coming home to the woman I love every night and waking up to her every morning is not just enjoyable, but pretty fucking awesome. Just sayin’.

On to the question that I know is burning at all your minds: Will I be back to writing here frequently? The answer is an indubitable “probably”. See, I still am a bit blocked from time to time. And, yes, I’ve heard the saying that “real writers” don’t get writer’s block. First, I believe that to be bullshit, but secondly, what the fuck is a “real writer”? I believe that writer’s block comes from a place deep down within the psyche, and this place exists in all people, whether they be “real writers” or not.

Last year, I wrote the piece that I’m proudest of in my entire life. It was a tribute to my old friend, B.J., who passed away late last year. Now, I’m not saying that his death is the only thing contributing to my block, but I will say that it seems a bit overly coincidental that I’ve written, perhaps, 2000 words since his death, while that would have been closer to my daily output prior to that. However, I think it is time to get back on the horse.

Now, with that being said, I should tell you, my one or two readers, that this is going to be a process. I’m going to be shaking off some rust and this is the place that I’m going to do that. I write a few other places(or have in the past) and I’m going to try to get them to let me write there again, but that means that the shit that isn’t fit for their consumption will be finding itself here. This will be the home of rants, raves, expletive filled tirades, and writing that is either too personal, too cheesy, too dark, too political, or just too plain bad for my other outlets. It will also be the place where, if you want to know who I actually am, as more than just a writer, you will want to come to see the deepest, darkest, and hopefully sometimes funniest, pieces of my soul(which I don’t actually believe exists, but find me a better goddamn image here and I’ll stop using hypocritical metaphors).

Anyway, that’s what I’ve got to say. So, how’ve you been?

Oh, and just in case some of you don’t get the title reference, enjoy this wonderful video.

I wish this was my rig.

I am an avid gamer. Bear in mind that I said “avid” gamer, not “hardcore” gamer. The difference may seem to be one of semantics, but it is quite important. An avid gamer, such as myself, plays a lot of videogames, though may not be considered masterful at any of them. Hell, I won’t lie. I tend to play my games on a relatively easy difficulty setting and am much more interested in the story being told than the minutiae of the fighting system and the accumulation of random trophies(yes, I’m a PS3 gamer).

On the other side of the frequent gamer spectrum is the hardcore gamer. Hardcore gamers are most often found in the realm of first person shooters(FPS). They enjoy these games because they can play them online where actual human beings provide a less predictable challenge than an be found with even the most advanced current-gen AI. If a hardcore gamer does slum it by playing a game offline, they play on the hardest difficulty setting possible, which usually has a ridiculous name like hardcore, insanity, or impossible. As a rule, hardcore gamers refuse to even acknowledge that avid gamers, like myself, are really gamers, calling us “noobs”, short for newbie(which is ironic considering the fat that I’ve been gaming since before most of them could walk).

Why do I point out these differences? Because I am about to give you a list of my 5 favorite current-gen games and I wanted to put these picks in context. I don’t play FPS games, as they are not story-driven. I play a lot of RPGs, as they are the best for immersive stories. And, as a rule, I don’t play online.

With those caveats, let me recommend some games(in no particular order).

1) The Rock Band games

I have yet to play Rock Band 3, but, even without the addition of keyboards, I can say that there is no better party game in the world than the Rock Band series. For the better part of 2 years, my then-roommate and I would drive half an hour, once-a-week, to play one of the Rock Band games with one of our oldest friends, and occasionally, his wife. It was epic. While the gameplay may not be revolutionary, as Guitar Hero did come first, I doubt that there is any other game that could allow 3 people to spend 6-7 hours, once a week, for 2 years to forget about their lives and personal issues and tour a virtual world as rockstars. Trust me, you haven’t lived until you’ve done a 3 song Bon Jovi/Journey set at 4AM with two of your best friends.

2) The Mass Effect Series

The game developer Bioware, founded by two medical doctors, made my favorite game on the previous-gen hardware, so it shouldn’t come as a shock that their flagship current-gen franchise is on this list. However, it is important to note that, while I loved Bioware’s previous efforts, the epic space opera that is the first two Mass Effect games(with a third all but officially announced as on the way) surpass anything that they had done before. With a fully-voiced, customizable lead character who is faced with extreme moral choices with real consequences throughout the game universe, Mass Effect was one of the most fully realized story-based RPGs I have ever played. By incorporating those decisions made by the player in the first game into the world of Mass Effect 2, Bioware made a truly astounding experience. Now that the second game is coming to PS3, I look forward to playing it all over again as I have been XBox360 free for almost 6 months now.

3) Dragon Age: Origins

The 2nd Bioware title to make the list, this sword and sorcery epic is just that; epic! I’ve only just finished my first complete playthrough which, while skipping several side quests, clocked in at more than 30 hours of gameplay. Like previous Bioware games that I love, this game prides itself on a great story, superb voice acting, and a tried and true RPG system that allows for complete customization of race, gender, class, and other aspects of the player character. My only complaint is the lack of a fully-voiced main character, a fault that will be corrected in next year’s sequel. Without a doubt, this is the game I turn to when I want a dose of fantasy in my gaming life.

4) Heavy Rain

Attempting to describe Heavy Rain as a videogame is a difficult task. Yes, it is interactive. User input does drive the story and it is branched from decisions made by the user. Yes, you do use the PS3 controller to control the user characters(Yes, that is characters, plural, as you control 4 different characters through the various episodes of the story). So, by these general definitions, it is a videogame. However, it is unlike any other game I’ve ever played.

When, recently, I attempted to describe this game to my girlfriend, who is a fan of video games herself, I told her that it was a bit like an interactive movie. After watching me play it for about 2 hours, she agreed and we went even further to call it the modern day equivalent of the old Choose Your Own Adventure books. It is a game that, due to the deep and involving story, not to mention the fact that it is absolutely gorgeous, is almost as enjoyable to watch being played as it is to play.

5) The MLB The Show Series

This game was, without a doubt, one of the driving forces behind my purchase of a PS3. This is the single best baseball game that I have ever played(and I’ve played most of them). The deep and rich franchise mode alone makes this game better than almost anything else out there(and can teach baseball fans about the transaction rules and the system). However, the true, crowning achievement of the series is the Road to the Show mode, which allows a gamer to create a character and, controlling only that player, attempt to work their way up through the minor leagues to become a superstar. By combining baseball and RPGs, Sony created my own personal geek nirvana.

Are these the best 5 games on the current-gen? Who can say for sure? But they are certainly my 5 favorites.

With this trend in mind, and an acknowledgment that I am, without a doubt, a member of said nerd culture, I can’t help but be excited for a great deal of the things set to appear in pop culture in the next calendar year(aka 2011). Below, I have attempted to speak coherently on the 5 nerd-based pop culture events that I am most excited about. (One note, I have avoided any events that are limited exclusively to happening in the pages of comic books, as I acknowledge that, despite their influence over pop culture in today’s world, the books themselves have a somewhat limited appeal, though I don’t like it.)

1) The Green Lantern Movie

I’m a huge fan of Hal Jordan, better known to many as the first human member of the Green Lantern Corps. For those unfamiliar with the Corps, they are, for lack of a better description, a galactic police force comprised of being from throughout the universe who patrol specified sectors of their galaxies. If that description alone doesn’t get you excited for this movie, then we might need to talk about revoking your nerd card.

I’ve wanted a Green Lantern film for many years. I’ve always thought that, with the epic space opera aspects of the premise, that it made no sense to leave such an outstanding property without a live-action film.

They they went and cast Ryan Reynolds to be Hal Jordan. Many places on the internet went apoplectic. I, however, rejoiced. Who better to play the ultra-cocky fighter pilot who must come to terms with being chosen as a defender of the galaxy than the man who can do both broad(Van Wilder) and nuanced(Definitely, Maybe) performances?

Now, we have this trailer:

This trailer has caused a bit of bitching on the forums about it looking “cheesy” or “lame” from nerds, who are, quite literally, impossible to please. Still, I have to say that I’ve never been more excited for the movie. I really can’t wait.

2) DC Universe Online

I’m not a big PC gamer. I am, and always have been, a console guy. In fact, the only PC game I’ve ever purchased was City of Heroes(and the City of Villains expansion). So, other than that one exception, I’ve missed out on the entire MMO craze, which is why I”m over the moon about a console version of DC’s new MMO. The game, which promises to be similar in premise to COH and COV, is fully licensed by DC Comics and, in fact, has been produced with massive input and involvement from the powers that be at DC, like Jim Lee and Geoff Johns. I truly can’t wait to make my own hero(or villain) and tangle with the icons of the DC Universe.

3) The Thor Movie

Getting me to read a Thor comic is something akin to getting a child to eat broccoli. I know that I need to read it, as he is one of Marvel’s iconic trio of Avengers, but I just never can quite savor the taste the way I do Captain America or Iron Man. And that was my thought when they first announced this movie, too. But then…I heard who was directing.

Kenneth Freakin’ Branagh!

A man who is respected as a talented Shakespearean actor and director who has adapted Hamlet and Love’s Labour’s Lost is doing a comic book movie. Gadzooks!

Beyond that amazing coup, they then cast Natalie Portman as a love interest, Kat Dennings as a supporting character, and Anthony Hopkins as Odin. My only question now is “Do I really have to wait until May?”

4) Captain America: The First Avenger

I’ve expressed my love of Captain America on this blog, and elsewhere, before. Knowing that I adore the character means that it should come as no shock that I am looking forward to this July release with baited breath.

I was, actually, a bit nervous when I had heard that they had cast Chris Evans, best known for his roles in the horrific Fantastic Four flicks, has Steve Rogers. However, then I saw the shots of him in character in the pages of Entertainment Weekly.

When you add the fact that Samuel L. Jackson gets to continue playing the role he was born to play, Nick Fury, and Hugo Weaving getting to Nazi it up as the villainous Red Skull, and you have the ingredients for a world-class film.

The final piece of the puzzle is that this is a period piece, being directed by a man who has done a very kick-ass period piece superhero flick in the past(The Rocketeer) in Joe Johnston. All things considered, I’m hugely excited for July 22, 2011.

5) The Cape

This is a TV show that is supposed to debut mid-season on NBC. At the moment it is scheduled to debut on January 9, 2011. And I, not to be redundant, can’t wait!

The series follows a cop who is framed for a crime that he did not commit. After he escapes certain death, he is trained by circus folk(a comic book origin if there ever was one) and takes on a secret identity to fight crime and clear his name. I have no faith that this show will be successful, but I sure hope it is.

It has cast Summer Glau(Firefly, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Dollhouse) in a role of an ally of the main character, and that is enough to make me support it from start to finish. Also, with Smallville in its final season, it is vital that we support weekly superhero television. If we can’t use our combined nerd might for this, then I don’t know what we’re here for.